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| A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~ Fred Allen |
| Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~ H.L. Mencken |
| A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~ Author Unknown |
| A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~ Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch |
| A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. ~ Author Unknown |
| If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~ John Kenneth Galbraith, |
| Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~ Charles Schulz |
| All generalizations are bad. ~ R.H. Grenier |
| All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~ Jane Wagner, |
| The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~ Tom Waits, |
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| Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~ Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield |
| After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~ P.J. O’Rourke |
| How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission? ~ Nigel Rees |
| I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~ Elayne Boosler |
| Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~ George Ade |
| An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~ William Castle |
| If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me. ~ Song title by Jimmy Buffet |
| Man was predestined to have free will. ~ Hal Lee Luyah |
| Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. ~ Aldous Huxley |
| Murphy was an optimist. ~ O’Toole’s Commentary |
| The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~ Nicholas Chamfort |
| The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~ Robert Graves |
| The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t. ~ Douglas Adams |
| The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~ Bill Watterson, |
| Today is the last day of some of your life. ~ Author Unknown |
| Without geography, you’re nowhere. ~ Author Unknown |
| It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. ~ Author Unknown |
| You can’t have everything… where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright |
| He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed. ~ Harry Kalas |
| He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~ Torvald Gahlin |